So, I just got The Letter from my IF clinic. The one telling me to renew freezer storage for our three remaining embies, donate them or destroy them.

I’m not sure what to do. It’s a decision that nobody can make but me. The only thing completely out of the realm of possibilities is option C. No way. If I don’t use them I’ll offer them to someone else.

If I don’t use them.

I’m mulling things over. Pros and cons both ways, back and forth and back and forth.

I don’t know if I’m tough enough to do all that again. The shots for a year…the waiting and wondering and hoping. The falling apart and dragging myself back together. Can I handle all that and still keep up with taking care of a 15-month old? And myself? ‘Cause this chicken sure ain’t getting any younger, you know? Care will definitely have to be taken.

I honestly don’t know. I see now how IVF after a successful pregnancy can definitely be yet another nightmare. It puts a face on the on the end result. It smells like warm milk, sounds like dreams and feels like a tiny warm bundle hugging onto you. And if/when it goes badly (depending on if you’re an optimist), you now know exactly what you’ve lost.

I’m not sure I’m that tough, and I’m scared to be wrong. Maybe I’ll just stay on the fence until I fall off or something knocks me off. That’s usually how things work for me, anyway. Aren’t my decision making-skills amazing? 🙂

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