God, I so agree with this

I’m obviously not posting much, but I can’t walk away from this site. It’s mine, I poured my soul into it when it had nowhere else to go. The online IF community was a lifesaver for me, and in many ways still is. I still check in on people and their blogs, but I’m a horrible commenter. Maybe I just don’t really have that much to say right now. The time that I’ve spent in the presence of this tiny person living with me has been very introspective. A time for reflection and preparation. I’m sort of a scraped-together person. I’ve had some ugliness in my life (done to me as well as by me). Who hasn’t? I’ve managed to suck it up and move on as best I can. What wisdom and confidence I have has been hard-earned, hammered together, recycled and dragged through all kinds of muck. But I still have it. Growing up me was kind of horrific for reasons I’m not ready to air. My memories are by no means intact – there are gaps of years when I just lived in my own head rather than face my shitty little world. My history is disjointed and jagged, full of rocks and riptides. I’ve been incredibly self-destructive, but I’m still here. The days when I wished I wasn’t have been in the rear-view mirror for a long time (for which I thank every deity available). I’m jaded, I’m cynical and I’m sarcastic. And that was all before infertility joined the parade. I usually feel like a gorilla with a teacup at shiny happy events/occasions. Out of place, just not quite…..right.

And now I have a daughter. Who says God/The Universe doesn’t have a sense of humor? So much of being a parent seems to be sharing who you are, your experiences, living by example. So far I can only think of attempting that last one (just don’t drink out of the wine bottle with a straw when she’s around). Pulling out happy memories to pass on, conveying a sense of history and belonging to her – will be difficult for me. Getting her here was only the first challenge. I knew this was coming, I just wasn’t…really, well….all that prepared.

I guess we’ll both just have to learn as we go, huh?

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