Another tidbit from Tricycle:

Finding Happiness Outside the Box

Our notions about happiness entrap us. We forget that they are just ideas. Our idea of happiness can prevent us from actually being happy. We fail to see the opportunity for joy that is right in front of us when we are caught in a belief that happiness should take a particular form.

I’m trying to work out how I’m feeling about this upcoming cycle, my place in the world, myself in general. The truth is I have no idea. This upcoming cycle has taken so long to get here (not to mention the toll it’s extracted) that I still don’t quite believe it’s here. I think as soon as 6/10 I’ll be back in the stirrups again. I’m sure somewhere deep down I’m still braced for impact, even though I’d rather not admit that. I just can’t get rid of that pessimism. But I do laugh at it to defuse it somewhat. I know it’s there, I can’t get rid of it, but it’s not going to stop me. I’m able to catch glimpses of a possible future with kid/kids now and again, and am excited by that. I even had a dream I was sitting in a flower garden with a chattering little girl, picking flowers and poking bugs and woke up smiling, not heartbroken.

I went to a brunch Sunday with about 8 other women, all about my age, two had kids and the rest did not. Two don’t want them (to my knowledge), the rest just haven’t gotten around to it. I know too much about the dark side of fertility to ask anyone about their plans. But it was interesting to watch the interplay. There is life either way. You just have to accept what is, and somehow go on about your business.

I’ve basically been medically cleared at this point (knocking furiously on wooden desk). Still have to get documents from the cardiologist to my RE (who are 1/2 mile apart but might as well be on different planets), but they’ll get there.

For now, I’m hanging in there. Pulling a bit of a Scarlett O’Hara routine now and then (“I’ll think about that tomorrow….), but I really do feel clinically and emotionally stable. Which is more than I could say at certain points in times past.

Meh. Enough. Gotta go to work. I hope everyone else out there is doing well, I’ve been a lousy commenter for a few months. But I’m sending good vibes out for everyone, FWIW!

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