Wow. I am messed up. But I do feel better after going to the shrink. I was wound so tight I must’ve had springs sticking out. A sure sign you’re overwhelmed is when asked what you hope to accomplish with therapy all you can do is cry. So the first thing she did was a relaxation thingie, which hasn’t really worked in the past, but was surprisingly effective. She talked about how hard it was to turn of your brain, that its main function is to find problems. That’s not helpful when you’re overwhelmed. While she was talking, I realized that while I knew these things, I hadn’t necessarily accepted these things. The anger, resentment and fear over this path I’ve chosen. I’m very afraid that this cycle will go south and I’ll have to struggle to live all over again. I could walk away, sure. But if I was going to do that I’d have done it months ago. I’ll see this through because I know I was sure of my decisions a year ago, even if things have become blurred around the edges after all this time.

Then she told me something that still makes me cry even now while typing it. She told me to have mercy on myself. I never realized how much I’ve put myself through, in addition to all the external stressors. And I have been merciless. On myself as well as others. So many things have come into such sharp focus…

I guess my point is that it’s so much easier said than done. Or maybe it isn’t…..

I don’t really have anything else to say. Feeling sort of quiet….

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