My co-worker who had her baby the day I would have been due just brought her newborn to work for a visit. I knew it would happen soon as she’s coming back from maternity leave April 6. And newborn show-off visits are mandatory, right? So here she was, there the baby was and I didn’t lose it. My heart sort of squeezed in on itself and did this weird flip, but I went over and cooed along with all the other women. I feel a little shell-shocked, but I’m okay. I’m sad, and I’ll be more so later when I dwell on it (I’m planning to actually – just to get it over with), but I’ll move on. That’s not my kid. I want mine. I want my own chunk with legs looking around sleepily and cuddling in my arms. So now I’m thinking about some parties and other events we’ve gone to in the last few weeks/months that we wouldn’t have attended if we’d had a child or I’d been pregnant. Plans we’re making now would be so much different if a kid were worked into the mix. My life without vs my life with. My coworker standing there with her baby in her arms and me standing here with my relatively free, self-indulgent lifestyle. Staring at each other. So many things could have been different, but they’re not. Things are what they are. And I will go on from here, as best I can.

When she left the room to continue her tour, I could almost hear glass shattering, my lives merging into one again for the time being. I know now that life will not end if we don’t have a child, but giving up that vision will be hard to say the least. But it will be nice not to try to walk two roads at once.

So – sounds like retail therapy and a big-ass martini is in the works for this evening. Anyone care to join me?

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