I’m sitting here late at work, catching up on some things, thinking. Usually not a good thing. The thinking, that is. I don’t really have much to say, but I want people to know I’m sorry for being a lousy commenter lately. I wasn’t ever really spectacular at it, but I’m much worse lately. But I’m still reading, and I want to thank the kind souls who’ve stopped by this blog and stayed a while. I have lots of things knocking around in my head at the moment, but I’m not ready to commit anything to a full post yet.
I have a friend who just got back from an adoption conference in Nashville this weekend, and is brimming with enthusiasm and hope at the beginning of that massive journey. I wonder if I would have the stamina (much less the cash) to go through adoption after going through all this. She says never say never and the first emotion I felt was anger. I have no idea why I would get mad over that, gotta think that one through a bit more….
I’m also wondering when I’ll be able to care about the little things again. When I’ll be able to listen to a whole song, read more than a chapter of a book without wandering off, or not zone out in the middle of conversations. I have things I’d like to like doing, thank you. Like to be able to get on with some things.
Planning a birthday party for D and a friend (birthdays within days of each other) – junk food and live music. Coming together nicely, and I think of planning future events, wondering if I’ll be incorporating a child into the picture or not. Worrying that I won’t be a good parent anyway, wondering why I can’t just settle for what I have now. Probably because I don’t count on things staying the same – that’s the exception not the rule. I wonder how much infertility plays into that perception, but I was actually like that before all this. Can’t blame the negativity on my ovaries this time. I know that the world takes care of itself first, that it doesn’t particularly give a shit if I’m outside my comfort zone.
Guess I’ll find out eventually, huh?
So it goes….
02/25/2009 at 6:59 pm
Sounds like you are in quite a funk. Is everything going well with the new donor? Hopefully the party will help distract you for a while.
02/25/2009 at 10:31 pm
Yes, It certainly feels as though the world spins around, ignorant or unwilling to know of our plight. I’m guessing it’s part of the disconection with others that we feel.
I’ve been hit with the adoption line before too…I get angry for a number of reasons.
1. – It seems to dismiss where I am at present
2. It assumes that everything will be all right – and I sense a sort of smugness to that when people assume that I will change my mind.
3. It seems to make a judgement on me – that I am expected to want to adopt – and that somehow I am selfish for wanting my own child rather than someone else’s.
Now, I know some of those won’t be the case in the situation with your friend as she is actually adopting herself…but I just thought I’d share a few reactions to it anyway.
03/08/2009 at 8:06 pm
Ah, Jodie. Sounds like a tough space to be in. I hear you, on all of it. Somehow you’ve just got to nuture yourself through this trough and know that it will not always be like this (what I tell myself, anyway). Thinking of you.
Mo
03/11/2009 at 4:58 pm
Sorry I haven’t been here. I have been checking and knew your post was there, but have been feeling pretty blah myself and haven’t felt like posting anywhere.
I feel what you’re going through. And I’m so sorry. Praying for things to unstick for you soon.