I’m sitting here late at work, catching up on some things, thinking. Usually not a good thing. The thinking, that is. I don’t really have much to say, but I want people to know I’m sorry for being a lousy commenter lately. I wasn’t ever really spectacular at it, but I’m much worse lately. But I’m still reading, and I want to thank the kind souls who’ve stopped by this blog and stayed a while. I have lots of things knocking around in my head at the moment, but I’m not ready to commit anything to a full post yet.

I have a friend who just got back from an adoption conference in Nashville this weekend, and is brimming with enthusiasm and hope at the beginning of that massive journey. I wonder if I would have the stamina (much less the cash) to go through adoption after going through all this. She says never say never and the first emotion I felt was anger. I have no idea why I would get mad over that, gotta think that one through a bit more….

I’m also wondering when I’ll be able to care about the little things again. When I’ll be able to listen to a whole song, read more than a chapter of a book without wandering off, or not zone out in the middle of conversations. I have things I’d like to like doing, thank you. Like to be able to get on with some things.

Planning a birthday party for D and a friend (birthdays within days of each other) – junk food and live music. Coming together nicely, and I think of planning future events, wondering if I’ll be incorporating a child into the picture or not. Worrying that I won’t be a good parent anyway, wondering why I can’t just settle for what I have now. Probably because I don’t count on things staying the same – that’s the exception not the rule. I wonder how much infertility plays into that perception, but I was actually like that before all this. Can’t blame the negativity on my ovaries this time. I know that the world takes care of itself first, that it doesn’t particularly give a shit if I’m outside my comfort zone.

Guess I’ll find out eventually, huh?

So it goes….