I’m not the first person to say this, and many have said it much better than I’m going to. As a matter of fact, I think I’ve already bitched about this in some form or another before. But I’m going to say it anyway.

I wish that infertility didn’t involve the extremes that it does. Because we all have to live with it for an extended amount of time, unless we luck out.

Some people do. Good for them.

I wish that I could be alright with where I am now. I know things are set in motion, I know that things (good?bad?) are coming down the pike. But in the meantime, during the waiting game, I wish I could maintain some kind of equilibrium so that day to day events won’t leave me shaking and winded and nauseous. At the moment I’m actually afraid I’ll vomit on my keyboard. My heart physically hurts, and I’m not sure I can stand up. No matter how I try to prep for life in the emotional trenches – get enough sleep, exercise, eat reasonably well, don’t drink (much – wait, define much?) – I get sideswiped. Over and over. I have no control over this large aspect of my life, and it’s bleeding over into everything. Everything does with me eventually, always has. My emotional plate has my green beans running into my mashed potatoes, my spaghetti sauce into my salad. What I can do is hide it, suck it up, plaster a smile on my face and keep trudging along. Never let ’em see you sweat. That, I’m very good at. But it’s taking a huge toll on my nervous system, and my life in general right now. I could wear my intestines as a scarf. They’re just knotted up around my neck anyway. If I could just figure out how to accessorize….

I’m not keeping all this a secret – I’m talking to people about it, damn it. It’s just that talking isn’t helping. It’s still living in limbo, and it sucks. And it’s not going to change any time soon.

So, d’ya wanna know what event triggered this landslide of messiness?

The pregnant co-worker with my due date (mid-January) brought her 2 year old daughter and husband to work to show them off. I actually managed to duck them without intending to – I was out of the office gathering some information, and heard them making the rounds in the other department. So, there I sat, trying to time it out so I wouldn’t meet them in the hall on my way back to my desk. I sat in that little room forever, getting curious looks from people who use the place for more than hiding (move along, nothing to see here), getting periodic updates on their progress from a sympathetic co-worker.

And if I have to get off this ride without what I came for – well, that’s a whole ‘nother level of shit, isn’t it? I can’t even think about that today. I’ll burn that bridge when I have to.

Okay. Enough. Back to slapping on that plastic face until I can get to a Pumpkin Spice Latte. That actually does make things better for a bit. I’ll just focus on the little things and breathing, I guess.

Inhale. Exhale. Lather, rinse, repeat.

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