I don’t know why this, specifically, is bothering me right now, but it really really is.  When I was briefly pregnant, I went ahead and started making arrangements for day care.  Simple fact is, kid gotta go.  No family here except ourselves and not really an option right now to stay home.  First, there’s the financial aspect (I don’t make a ton, but every little bit helps when your insurance company won’t cover anything related to infertility except the workup) and then there’s the sanity aspect.  I get cabin fever almost immediately.  Maybe it would be different if it were staying home for a kid we’ve worked so bloody hard for…..

I’m entirely too superstitious to go there.  Anyway.  I digress.

Of course I stayed pregnant long enough to take the tour and put down a non-refundable application fee.   My due date would have been the end of January.   I’m not going to call them and say, “Nevermind!” – I refuse to do that.   Eventually, they’ll have to call me and ask when/if I’m going to produce some sort of offspring for them to watch during the day.  I could always offer to bring them a dog to hold my space (can I claim that on taxes?), I guess.

But I want to be pregnant when they call.  I want to say, “Well, the new date we’ll require your services to begin is X/XX/XXXX.”  The problem is, with my sort of luck I should never set any deadlines whenever I can possibly help it.  That’s the surest way to shoot things straight to hell.  And this date is looming larger and larger in my mind.  I’m starting to feel panicky about it, kind of like I should be breathing into a paper bag and putting my head between my knees.  I can’t push things along any faster than I have.  I just managed to find a donor that hasn’t crapped out (yet), for fuck’s sake.  I know I should just go one day at a time.

It’s just hard to keep on pulling your way along by your fingernails.

That’s all I’m saying.