Why are there trap doors everywhere?  The ones you fall through when everything seemed to be lumping along fine a minute ago.  I think my stretches of optimistic calm only last for a few days and then it’s back to the pit with me.  Yet another co-worker is pregnant (definitely an accident) and shared her joy by sneaking up behind me while I’m on my computer and slapping 14-week ultrasound pictures on my keyboard.  How many other people must have had to compose their faces from anguish to elation in the time it takes to swivel your damn chair?  The fact that I pulled it off at all is amazing to me, and I tried to swivel slowly and not look up suddenly.  She’s made her peace with the situation, for the most part.  Got hitched in Vegas by Elvis, videos to prove it.  She’s beginning to get excited and make plans.  My heart broke so hard I could hear it.  I’m genuinely happy for her, but I just don’t have much faith in anything right now, really.  My holding pattern has lasted for fucking years.   I wonder if I’ll ever get to a place where there are no strings attached to emotions.  Does that make any sense to anyone but me?  All this right before a busy weekend when I can’t really get off by myself easily without giving an explanation that I’m tired of using. I feel like I’m always having a bad day as far as these people are concerned.  I’m not, it’s just that they cycle around at the wrong times.  A friend who’s involved with upcoming weekend activities now thinks my husband and I are having a big fight of some sort.  He wanted to hitch a ride out to our house after work and I said no, we have a couple of errands to run on the way home (D and I carpool).  The sad truth is, I have to go by the liquor store because a glass of wine has now become medicinal, not optional, and I don’t want to hear any shit about it from him.  His mother died of alcoholism, and he is of course a bit sensitive about that kind of thing.  Buy two bottles while you’re with him and you get a look.  What compensates for this is that he’s an unbelievably nice and funny guy.  And he backs right off, but he notices and remembers.  He also has no point of reference for anything I’ve gone through up to this point, and I don’t feel very accommodating or like explaining anything to anyone.

I just text-messaged honeybunch, said “Naomi’s pg, can we go by Buster’s (my favorite wine shop), and when can you leave?”

He sent back immediately :”Yep. be there in 20 min”.

God, I love that man.  I’m going to do my best to remember this the next time he pisses me off to the rafters or leaves his damn ties everywhere.  Sometimes he just knows.

‘Course, sometimes he doesn’t get it with a 50-foot neon sign.  But right now, we’re on the same page.

Y’all have a good one – maybe I’ll get some pictures together and post them while I’m ducking people this weekend.  It’s good to have goals, don’t you think?

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