The clinic called – another couple asked if we’d be interested in sharing a donor. We were in their shoes only a week or so ago. I seriously thought about it – for a week I thought about it. I remember after we decided to try IVF again my tears and anger when looking at the finances, how we realized again planning is just worthless. We can’t even manage to plan a vacation or a year from now, much less more than that. We knew before the first IVF that if it was twins, we’d have to move. We wouldn’t have the funds to mold our living space to accomodate two babies. Not immediately, but it would come. That requires planning. Lots of things in our past (that I just don’t have the words and energy to explain yet) have sapped our strength and patience. It takes time to get them back, and all this is wearing it down again while we watch. Sometimes you can actually see erosion. One thing I’ve known is that your own pain is diminished by helping others. Takes your mind off your own mess. I’ve managed to do some petting and comforting in the last couple of weeks, and I feel much better for it. We also lucked into a vacation – a dear friend’s family member has a week at a timeshare he can’t use – in Cabo San Lucas (sucks, I know). Our dear friend asked if we’d be interested in a couples vacation, him and his partner and us. I don’t think he was prepared for me hugging him to death. I thought about our recent good fortunes, how lucky we are in so many ways. How much it would help that other couple if we could share our donor, financially and emotionally.

I said no.  I’m not sharing the cycle.  I feel like such a selfish bitch, but I’ll get over it.

I just can’t do it.