Good days and bad days. I don’t feel connected to anything. I’m a shell, smiling when I should and conversing when I have to. I try not to be inappropriate, but I’m not sure I’m succeeding. My laughter sounds forced, my face feels plastic. My heart screams. Starting all over again is exhausting, and I can feel my patience shredding. Hope is a monster, I read somewhere today, and I believe it.

I’m getting pats and hugs and sympathetic emails from people I barely know at work, from some people I didn’t think liked me enough to touch me, let alone care. I should feel grateful and warm, but I feel farther away than ever. I didn’t realize how badly I need the results from these tests, and I’m trying to prepare myself for them to be inconclusive. That science can’t prove why I lost my son, that it can’t help me plan for the next step. It was a son – he was real and he was mine, for just a little while. The universe swallowed him up and left this empty hole in my soul, and it could happen again and again. There are no guarantees, and I know that. I just hope I can find the strength to find my way through this. There are so many people who have been through so much more than me – in many ways, I”m lucky. I just can’t think of any of them right now…….

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