I want to thank all the kind souls who stopped by to lend a sympathetic ear – I can’t tell you how much it’s meant. We’re hanging in, trying for our own version of closure on this sad chapter, one of many. We’re more spiritual than religious, so we kind of had a thing in a pretty place on a pretty day, said some words, cried and then got drunk. Or at least I did. Woke up the next day, lost my clothes, didn’t remember how I got to bed – you know, closure.

Called the RE on Monday and couldn’t get an appointment until August (fuck) – and what kind of bullshit rule is it that bad things have to happen over a weekend? Does that seem right to anyone? Anyway, I’m digging back into the donor thing with both hands while I wait and wonder. We didn’t have anything left over from the IVF cycle. He (the RE) called me on the Tuesday (5 days post event) to find out what exactly had happened, in all the gory details and I missed the call. I’d just dragged my ass out the door for a walk. Didn’t catch back up with him until yesterday, and then we talked for about 45 minutes. If there’s a bright spot in this river of shit, it is that I like him very much. He doesn’t ruffle no matter what the question, he has a gentle sense of humor and a very calming, easy manner. He runs late all the time because he takes his time with the patients, answers questions, digging back through the enormous volumes of charts to answer whatever is thrown at him. The miscarriage happened during the hand-off from him to the regular OB, and they didn’t check any blood levels. I asked if he may have taken me off the progesterone too soon, he said that they have an 80% success rate with this protocol and have been doing it this way for over 10 years. He also reminded me that I had two other episodes of bleeding and cramping (while still on the meds), and they (he and the regular OB) looked for hemorrhages each time on u/s and never saw anything. The day before I miscarried they did an u/s and a physical exam to confirm that the blood was from the os and not cervical. The heartbeat was fine, and there were no problems with the placenta. He said he thinks there is more to this than hormone levels, but that I can stay on progesterone as long as I want to the next time.

I want to believe I didn’t do anything wrong, and I think I do. I never even thought of the progesterone being a problem. I had suppositories lying about everywhere. I would have eaten them if it had just occurred to me. I don’t think I can live with myself, if I wasn’t aggressive enough, if I had only asked the right questions. Those are things I’ll have to deal with gradually, because it is agony to consider otherwise.

For now, he wants me and D to have a work up for recurrent pregnancy loss. Apparently a chemical pregnancy and then a miscarriage at 10+ wks makes him suspicious. Blood tests and some cultures for me, blood tests for D. If no problems are detected, then it was a problem with the donor’s egg. If a problem is found and it’s with me (which I would totally believe – look at my track record), then they can treat it. If the problem is with D, then it is a chromosomal issue, and we’ll be adopting or getting more dogs, whatever the financial picture says when we get there.

They also have a patient who is having donor IVF at the beginning of August with a donor who just farts eggs. The woman coughs up billions of them. I don’t know a thing about her, but they’re going to ask the patient if she’d consider splitting the cycle with us. They’d notify us when the retrieval happens and D will make a deposit and they’ll freeze the embryos until I get my shit sorted out. I asked him what the success rate of THAT was and he said (with a bit of a hurt tone), “the same as a fresh donor cycle – we don’t just freeze anything, you know”. Much easier on the pocketbook, too – we went with an out of state donor last time, and we’ll be paying it off for years. If we do that again, someone’s going to have to start hooking. But it depends on what the patient wants to do. She did get there first, after all. Lots of revelations in store for next week. I have some hope, and for now that’s enough.

In the meantime, I’ll just check on the new hydrangea we just planted and the Buddhist prayer flags hanging in the backyard. And I’ll try to remind myself that when the sun goes down here, it has to come up somewhere else.

Wishing peace for all of us…….