Infertility. Makes you second-guess everything. Makes you not trust what you see right in front of you, because after some time in the trenches you see how quickly your circumstances can change. You can go from the top of the world to the depths of despair in a heartbeat, like the Fates’ version of American Idol. Just when you think the universe is smiling on you, some piece of shit cuts the thread, and there you are. So you protect yourself as best you can, try not to be too overconfident because something could very well hear you. Things are going well (so far), my husband and I are 100% committed (so far), pg test still positive (so far). No, no haven’t gone crazy (yet). If I really thought knocking on wood would help (and why is it wood? just wondering) I’d be doing it all the time. It makes me think of those folklore stories of mothers telling people how ugly their children are because they don’t want the gods to take them away. Don’t be too proud or confident – you’ll lose everything. Why doesn’t that work on the people who deserve to lose something? Businessmen who screw their employees out of their life savings, etc. So many examples. It falls under the heading of “not fair”. I’m just saying. IF stinks – yanks the carpet out from under everything you believe (or want to believe) over and over and over again. You carry the scars from your time in the trenches forever. Or, at least I will. Can’t speak for everyone. But I don’t have the same trust in the world that I once did. I didn’t have a ton of it, but at least there was some. Blissful ignorance – sometimes I miss it. I’m not the same person I was at the start of this journey, but I hope to regain some measure of my non-jaded self someday.

Next post: something funny maybe? I’ll work on it!

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