I haven’t posted in a while – having trouble thinking of what to write. I’m pregnant (9w), but aside from some initial bleeding (which impressed nobody but me), it’s been very low drama. And, lets face it, nobody really wants to read about low drama, gets a bit boring. Plus, I don’t quite know how to deal with low drama. I wouldn’t say that everything has gone wrong over the last several years, but things definitely weren’t right; pretty much way off-track. I wouldn’t even say that I knew where the track was. And even if I did, I couldn’t get to it. IF has it’s own timeline, it’s own way of conducting business. But, why look for more things to beat yourself up over? Embrace the chaos – you’ll feel better, more in control by taking charge of being out of control. We couldn’t even get a decent handle on our professional lives much less our personal ones. Everything spiraling away while you’re helpless to stop it, one damn thing after another. We started living much more simply, turning inward and toward each other (thankfully) while we felt our way along. We really had to work at communicating, at how and when to approach one another. Hugs really do work miracles. Simple pleasures – sharing a bowl of ice cream, a comforting touch, a surprise treat from an errand – saved us. We were able to reach out to each other through all the ups and downs, and I am still in awe and feel incredibly lucky for that. IF is so hard on individuals and couples – communication breakdowns come with the territory; there’s too much pain and guilt to wade through, too many minefields to pick through the longer it goes on. Whatever the outcome of this pregnancy, I feel a sense of victory and peace at knowing that underneath it all, D and I are still intact – still connected and there for each other. My mind is slowly beginning to be able to find stillness with some things; I didn’t realize how feverishly and earnestly I was beating myself up over my physical failures until I was suddenly sucked into an eddy in this current of shit. I surf IF blogs and see amazing stories, miracles and heartbreaks and I don’t think I’m qualified to comment on any of them. I feel trite and clueless. I also feel incredibly lucky. Everything under the rainbow, all at once. Okay, that’s it. I’m done for now. Enough mental wandering…….. time for a snack before I eat my desk.

Advertisements