So, quite a lot has happened. I had the ultrasound Friday and there was a heartbeat, and it really does look like a little bean. A little rotating kidney bean. It was a huge surprise because I’d started bleeding (very red) Thursday, not a lot of blood in the grand scheme of things, but enough to scare you. Then there was this clot, sufficiently big enough to scare the absolute shit out of someone. Freaked. Way. Out. Of course, nothing anyone can do, sat on the couch and cried and freaked and sort of muddled my way along until the doctor’s appointment. Didn’t go to work that morning, hubby did and still managed to beat me there. Guess who was dreading it? And then, there it was. Just goes to show you, I guess. I really don’t know anything. And yet, I’m always surprised by that whenever it’s proven again…… 🙂

So now the talk at the RE’s turns to more mundane topics – weaning off meds, getting an appointment with a normal OB (saw the woman once before she drop kicked me to the RE), one more ultrasound and when to tell people. To me, that is such a loaded question. I’ve come face to face with some real freakiness on my part about that. There’s a problem when I feel like an honest-to-God panic attack is coming on at the thought of actually verbalizing the words “I’m pregnant” to friends and co-workers and in-laws. My immediate family knows, and a couple of trusted friends. My immediate family are really very nice people (no matter what I’ve said about them). I know they’re on my side whatever happens, and if they aren’t, I know where they live. My point is that I’ve probably told people whose reaction I can predict, who are very constant and supportive. I’ve played it very safe. Maybe I’m so overprotective of all this, it’s been so hard that I’m afraid I won’t be able to handle any criticism or “advice” yet (God, that sounds whiny – yuck). Maybe it’s all still very raw and even if that’s the case, it’s still time to get out from under my rock and reconnect with things? So far, this seems very much like limbo – the emotions and mindset are still very much on the infertility merry-go-round (who am I kidding, it can be a rocket ride to hell and back in one day), when the medical world is telling me everything is going according to plan. What a fucking joke. Nothing with me has ever gone according to plan. I am still waiting for the other shoe to fall, and I have to stop – I have to stop listening to my inner voice screaming for caution, get off my ass and decide whether I’m going to fly or fall. Seems like I picked a reasonably appropriate name for this site after all…….

Advertisements