So………wow.

So much has happened in such a short amount of time. I’m trying to appreciate all this as it’s happening, and it’s just not computing. Okay – transferred two very happy embryos 5/3, completely forgot to go get my hormone levels checked on 5/7 (d/t head firmly inserted in rectum), went the next morning and the progesterone levels were groovy (at 65 – my clinic wants it to be over 25). Nice to know those lousy PIO shots are at least doing the job. The estrogen levels were a bit low – they want them to be at least 350 and mine was 325. So, little blue 2 mg pills were obtained from the local pharmacy, and I was told to disregard the usage instructions printed on the bottle. The ones which said to take 1 bid orally, when they’re really for vaginal use. The nurse told me they just don’t bother telling the pharmacy that at all anymore, because they always freak out. The only thing I mind about is that the fallout is blue. Really kind of disconcerting. Brings Smurf Sex to mind, and those words just shouldn’t go together. But I digress……

So, the day of the first pg test was yesterday; I hadn’t cheated, or thought about it, and then I just couldn’t face not having some inkling of what was coming. If it was negative, I would like to try to be somewhat prepared to be stomped on later in the day. So, I POAS and it was negative. Well, fuck. That just figures (fuck) I feel so much better (m-f,g-d), I’m totally glad I did that. So, I was hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. Just sort of wandered around my cubicle, completely planning to go huntfor a bottle of wine and a straw that afternoon. They called that afternoon and I couldn’t even pick up the phone. I worked up my nerve, called them back, and it was positive (54).

So………..wow.

None of it is sinking in. I haven’t ever gotten this far, and I may be unnecessarily pessimistic (’cause I’ve gotten pretty bad in the last few years), but I just can’t be all that happy yet. I’ve wondered when you feel safe with a pg after IF, and I think the answer may be never. I hope I’m wrong…. wouldn’t be bad at all to be wrong about that. After going through all this, maybe I have an inkling of what the fates of capable of taking away, and I just hope that I stay off their radar screen for a while. Maybe if I stay very still…… No? Oh well. It was a thought….

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