So, I’ve noticed something I’m doing lately. I’m running over people in elevators. Doesn’t matter if I’m getting on or off, if they’re pushing a cart, have a lot of bags, a blind person in tow……. trivialities. If they’re in my way, it’s their fault. I just can’t stand having to step aside and wait on some oblivious person to get their shit together and move it. Now, it could have something to do with the hormones (is lupron ever anyone’s friend?), or just the general stress of things – I’ll grant you that. But maybe underneath everything I’m so much angrier than I’m able to admit? Everything is going well in preparation for the upcoming IVF cycle, the egg donor’s doing well (just starting her shots), my uterus hasn’t fallen out (yet) – things are humming right along. But things going well is it’s own source of stress though, isn’t it? Good stress is still stress. Things changing. I thought that I have things pretty well under control, all things considered. There were some big, difficult decisions to be made (doing IVF at all took quite a few Come to Jesus meetings), we made them. We have faced everything head on and rationally picked through the evidence and come to the reasonable and sensible decisions (for us, anyway). We’re both medical, we know the drill, we get it. We’ve been dealing with all this mess for about 5 years, there is maybe an end to it coming up so why is all this anger boiling up now? There are times I resent this whole process so much I can barely breathe. Maybe this is coming from a fear that it won’t work. Could it be that simple? Maybe throw in a bit of resentment toward other people who just sail along, and that seems pretty right on. I’ve just come to the (small) knot at the end of my frayed rope. My frontal lobes sure aren’t doing their jobs either. The mouth-brain connection is working overtime – in my head, out my mouth. I really hope this doesn’t bleed over into my driving. That probably wouldn’t end well at all……

While leaving work, I made a point of standing my cranky ass to one side and allowing a man in a wheelchair to come off before I plowed my way in. Just to prove to myself that I could do it. The rash will probably fade in a couple of days.

The waiting really is the hardest part.

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