So, we went to a party this weekend. The usual suspects were in attendance, it was a lovely evening. And I felt very, very out of place. Not that anyone’s making me feel that way, just my sixth sense. I have my antennae way up lately, since everyone I know is now aware of this pregnancy. While I’m not inclined to hide it, I am inclined to downplay it. And while I most certainly don’t feel guilty, I do feel rather sad. I recognize the sudden shifts in conversation – someone expresses their quick congratulations and moves on immediately as soon as the social niceties have been observed. If a couple is negotiating over kids (one’s ready and one’s not) or if they’re embroiled in their own personal reproductive hell, I would prefer not to be the reminder thrown up to blindside someone. And I’m a reminder – I definitely look pregnant. The husband would come over and make conversation while the wife was elsewhere (I know that routine so very well), or they would both just be otherwise occupied. Perhaps I was reading too much into it, but I know the weirdness wasn’t just coming from me. Strange to be on the other side of things and still difficult, I’m finding. There’s about every sort of life situation present in our group, all kinds of backgrounds and ethnicities, gay, divorced, etc. Only thing missing is death of a partner. And only 3 or 4 couples out of 13-14 have kids. I don’t pretend to know the story with everyone, but I definitely know 3 couples are having infertility problems.

I remember so well. How could I not? That’s an awful lot of heartache and drama to just erase. Infertility changes who you are, your outlook on everything. Some ways good, some ways not so good. Most people come out the other side beat up and bloody, some are more lucky. But everyone has their scars. And I think there’s always a part of you that never really leaves the trenches.

It’s a girl. A little, wadded-up sucking-on-her-toes girl. Heart rate was 154, weighs @ 12 oz, anatomical scan was normal. Looks like D doesn’t get to groom his future Eagle Scout. He was very quick to chime in with “There’s Girl Scouts…..” And that’s why I married the man.

This is the first time he’s let me see any real excitement. He hasn’t wanted me to feel bad if anything goes wrong. Today I felt like we were a (semi) normal couple for the first time in a very long time. However we got to this point, however this child was conceived, didn’t matter in the least. That we are able (and lucky enough) to experience this is worth more than I can put into words. Regrets/misgivings about having used donor eggs are definitely not surfacing here. Not to say that they won’t somewhere, but not yet.

I didn’t actually cry during the scan (though I came very close). It honestly takes a lot for me to cry in front of anyone, really, much less strangers (having grown up in a family where the motto was “never let ‘em see you sweat”). So when I burst loudly into tears about my last 2 PIO shots (D was giving them to me by this point – I’d mangled my own butt, you see), D immediately said “Screw it – your progesterone was in the 70’s anyway. Here’s an ice cream sandwich” which I snuffled gratefully over while sitting with a heating pad on my knotty butt. Fun times, man…… God, I hated those shots this time around.

Anyway, that’s all the news I have for now. We’re thrilled, couldn’t be more so. Unless we suddenly win the lottery. We’re pleased, even if we will need an exorcist or two for the teenage years. Oh, wait, we may not. Honestly, my first thought upon finding out that it’s a girl was “OMG, I’m screwed – wait a minute, not my genes. There’s hope!!” So, I’d say the donor egg thing has so far come in handy.

We go to find out tomorrow if we’ll have a boy or a girl. I know the scan is actually for other things but in my mind, anatomical stuff isn’t the main thing. Not to say that it isn’t important that we find out if the rat has two heads and/or eyes in the palms of the hands. Of course it is. I think what’s getting me is the thought that, at last, we get away from science and clinical terminology for a simple, basic answer. And I’m a ridiculous, sobbing mess at the thought of it.

As the day wears on, I’m less able to think of anything else or to concentrate at all, if we’re being honest. I try to picture myself staring at the monitor to see, to really, finally see……..and my throat closes up and my face turns purple and here come the waterworks.

I don’t cry pretty. Not at all, man. It’s actually kind of frightening.

All this hype means that the little rat will probably keep the goods to him/herself as long as possible. The more I anticipate it, the less it will happen. Just some tidbits I’ve picked up about myself and my luck though the years…

I thought tomorrow wouldn’t be a big deal, that nothing would make this real until the rat actually arrives (resisting the urge to inject “if” into that last thought). I think now that I was quite wrong. Tomorrow is to be shaping up to be a very big deal, in spite of me trying to maintain my denial….

A friend sent me this article, and it’s a very good one. Very interesting, I thought. It pertains to vaccinations and parents’ reluctance to have their children immunized, and it’s all anyone’s talking about lately at my hospital of employment. So without further ado, here’s the link:

http://www.wired.com/magazine/2009/10/ff_waronscience

Sorry, you’ll have to cut and paste, can’t get the bloody links to work today. Have a read, and then let’s have a round of applause for informed decisions.

So, let’s get back to me.

Not that I have anything much to say. Oh wait, the repeat Hep B test was negative so – that’s good. The gender scan is coming up (almost 20 w – rather excited about that) and none of my pants fit (not so much excited by this). So I do what anyone who likes to breathe does, and go and buy a couple pairs of maternity pants.

Why was I resisting these things again?

If I’d known how comfy they were, I’d have picked some up years ago, I tell you.

Ummm, went back to see the RE and almost got yelled at for not taking my calcium supplements (an even bigger no-no while on heparin) until he figured out how many Tums I’m taking. Then I got dismissed until the 30w visit with a bored wave of his hand. Seems 10-12 of them per day is pur-lenty of calcium…but it completely fixes the heartburn. Which I can get after drinking water, but don’t get after a cheese sandwich stuffed with Lay’s potato chips and jalapenos. Go figure.

Let’s see, what else….. I might be feeling the baby move. Very strange sensation and very, very cool. I can’t feel single specific movements, but it is perhaps a clue when your uterus becomes lopsided and then smooths itself back out (I know, I’m a genius). Just as long as nothing suddenly bursts out of my chest, I can completely roll with this.

D snores. A lot. I never noticed before because I always go to sleep before him. Not so much now. The unforseen naps during the day and nightly pee trips have opened my eyes to this phenomenon. And oh, my God.

I may have to kill him. How do people live with this, and stay married/in the same room?

Maybe if I tape his mouth shut….. Or perhaps that’s just my hormones talking….

So, I went to see “Paranormal Activity” this past weekend, and I have to say it was pretty good. It’s not the scariest thing I’ve ever seen, nor was it as scary as I thought it was going to be. But it was a good show, and worth seeing. It’s in sort of the same vein as “The Blair Witch Project” which creeped me waaaaaay out as well. The way they’re shot are very similar, if not the same – jerky camera shots which spiral around quickly, leaving you pretty sick to your stomach if you’re prone to that sort of thing. One word of advice, don’t watch the previews. In one of them, a scene is shown which actually happens at the end of the movie; sort of spoils the moment because you know it’s coming. There were only a couple of “jerk your feet off the floor and grab whoever is sitting to your left” moments in the film, but it was a good story and it was very believable acting. I consider myself a horror vet, I’m a Stephen King fan from way back, love the genre. And I didn’t think it was all that scary, really. In fact, I didn’t think of it again, didn’t dwell on the scary bits all the rest of the day.

Until I had to get up to let the dogs out at 3am. All the lights in the house were off, and I didn’t turn any on as I made my way downstairs. I rummaged through the fridge looking for a tiny treat while I waited for them to do their business. Nibbled a bit, let them back in, clicked off the outside lights, re-locked the door and suddenly became aware of the entire house pressing down on me. In total darkness. My footsteps were so, so loud on the way back upstairs, and I could feel something behind me, watching me make my hurried way back up to bed. I believe I vaulted into bed from the bedroom doorway (about 8 feet) without coming in contact with any sort of floor. And as I lay awake listening to night-time house sounds, trying to slow my breathing, I comforted myself with the thought that at least I sleep on the opposite side of the bed as the chick in the movie, and it would most definitely get D first.

Good movie, man. Goood movie…..

Of course, it was negative a month ago – so it’s probably (better be) a glitch of some kind. Quest Diagnostics also mentioned that it’s possible that someone who’s been immunized for Hep B (I’m a health care worker) and in the first trimester can have a false positive reaction. Although my OB said she’s never actually seen a case of that (great).

So I’m going to assume it’s a mistake and not worry about it. Because if it’s not a false positive, I’m going to kill D (but to be fair he’s also threatened me), or I’ll sue the absolute hell out of someone. Surely even my luck’s not quite that bad…. :-/

Everything else seems fine. Fetal heart tones in the 160’s, weight gain not worth getting yelled at apparently (I think I’ve gained about 5 lbs but their scale seemed to be going up higher than that – I didn’t ask, please pass the Skittles), I see the RE again at 20 and then 30 wks (why I don’t know, but I’m guessing it’s something to do with the heparin) and I find out the baby’s sex on 11/10. I figure I’ve come this far with science, why stop now?

So I’ll hopefully find out the results of the redrawn blood work by tomorrow or early next week. And that’s…that’s about it. Pretty boring overall, minus the infectious disease scare.

Oh, and I’m going to go see Paranormal Activity this weekend. I’ll tell y’all how it is!

Yeah, I’m not going to baby websites anymore. They’re overwhelming and scary. I’ve not been able to bring myself to go down baby aisles in stores, the web is close enough for comfort (or so I thought).

My kid’s gonna be wearing a towel and playing with dog toys. Is that so wrong? What’s wrong with simplicity??

It’s just too soon for me to process that aspect of things. I’m barely getting comfy looking at maternity clothes, and I certainly haven’t tried any on yet. I don’t need them yet, my wardrobe was pretty much on the comfy side to start with. But I am getting to the point where some things fit and others don’t, for various problems in various hemispheres. For the moment, I’m still reasonably comfortable in the clothes I still have, but I need to start looking around for some new essentials (read: BRAS). I’ll actually be 15 weeks this Friday (give or take a day), and I still don’t feel good saying any definites. Like “when the baby comes” or “when we get nursery furniture” or “when I take maternity leave”. I still pause, look over my shoulder, and finally decide that’s the only way to really address the situation. Still haven’t made a pregnancy announcement. I found out that some other couples in our immediate circle of friends are on the brink of the journey into infertility hell. When it comes out that I’m pregnant, fine. But I’m not going to stand up and make an announcement. I just can’t.

I’m doing okay, more or less. I don’t feel particularly good, but it could always be worse (definitely not complaining, here). Exercise hasn’t been happening (ever try yoga with an upset stomach?), and I have random stabbing achy pains in my guts, but no bleeding. Hopefully in the next couple of weeks I’ll start walking and I won’t feel as crappy. Maybe just mildly crappy. I can work with that.

And on an adorable note, you gotta take a look at this:

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/world/2009/10/07/green.micro.piglets.itn

Next doctor’s appointment 10/13; I’ll letcha know if anything interesting happens….

I’m still here. Just sort of been thinkin’. Everything’s fine, things are still boring, which is good. I’m sort of trying to get used to a new frame of reference. I’m off my map now, in unfamiliar territory and I’m just sort of wandering in circles getting used to things. I’ve even started getting the “just you wait” stuff, which pisses me off and scares me at the same time. Maybe I can go through this whole pregnancy with nobody noticing – you think?

No? (sigh)

At my last OB appointment we discussed some specifics about my birth plans (wtf??!!). I’m only 11w4d, that seems a bit premature (screams the infertile in me), and my next appointment isn’t for another month. That’s weird enough. But the conversation with the insurance lady (aka pregnancy insurance advisor – give me a break) was even more surreal. We were informed while checking out after seeing the doctor that we need to talk to this “advisor”, and to have a seat in the waiting room again. After being retrieved by a shockingly perky girl, I realized that this is the meeting where they try to jerk money out of you for your future hospital stay if your insurance won’t cover something. It rather like an ambush – I totally didn’t see that coming. The infertile in me was absolutely sobbing at this point, and I think my ears were actually ringing. I apparently missed seeing this “advisor” by mere days when I miscarried before. I just couldn’t believe we were having this conversation now. Do they not know what all can still happen? To me anyway, if to nobody else? Our insurance was apparently in order, so we finally left with hospital information, telephone numbers, birth class schedules, general information brochures and a pregnancy journal (your pregnancy week by week). They’ll give us our “gift bag” at our next visit because everything in it would be expired by the time I delivered, she said. “Have a nice day!!”, she chirped at us on our way out the door…..

…..I was so overwhelmed I thought I would vomit. Way to mess up my “one-day-at-a-time” plan, toots. Thanks. I just can’t operate on that level anymore, apparently. My blinders fell off a long time ago – and they’re not something I can slip into and out of.

So I compensated by shoving all the info under the car seat and haven’t looked at it since. Mature, huh? I’d look through it, but I’m off to throw a tantrum, hog the computer (and the phone) and braid my hair……

Okay, here’s a question. I’m having all kinds of cramping, happening since the transfer, really. No bleeding, but cramps sometimes approaching levels of regular menstrual discomfort (which was always pretty bad). They usually go away if I can lay flat on my back and put my feet up.

Usually.

What is freaking me out is that this feels exactly like the beginnings of a miscarriage. Deep, low, throbbing cramps. But I’ve had no bleeding. Last time, I had plenty of that. Three episodes in fact, each one worse than the one before. I’ve been told that the cramps/pain could be due to endometrial tissue being stretched out. Sounds as good as anything else, I guess. And so far ultrasounds have been fine, and I think I’d have figured out an ectopic by now (being reasonably intelligent, thank you). So I’ve been consoling myself with no blood = no worries. I don’t have any sort of reference for normal pg discomfort vs impending doom, seeing as I’m much more familiar with the latter. Anyone out there with endo have the same symptoms? Anyone without endo, for that matter?

The gas. I’ve heard people talk about pregnant women being gassy, but it still doesn’t prepare you for the reality. Dear God, it’s unreal, this gas. It can strike anywhere, anytime. Not even after a bout of food poisoning have I had gas like this. I’ve even frightened my dogs. Hell, I’ve startled myself several times, and I knew it was coming.

Un-f-ing believable…..

I’m just saying.