It’s funny (not ha-ha, but hmmmm). I somehow keep thinking that all I’d like to be is normal again (whatever that actually is), that I could have some semblance of myself back before all this happened. Maybe I could overhear a bit of conversation about baby names and not feel sucker-punched. It was so much simpler then, and I didn’t even know it. I know that things are what they are, and the only way to go forward is to deal. I also know that anyplace is better than here, emotionally. Have you all heard that saying “you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here”? Seems appropriate….
I thought I’d made a lot of progress, but then I wonder just how much when I can be bungeed back to these feelings so fucking hard and so fucking fast. It’s depressing, and frankly a bit frightening. I don’t know how to do this. And when I try to be “normal”, I end up in situations that I desperately don’t want to be in, can’t participate in. Out to lunch with co-workers (kid school stories, sibling stories, pregnancy stories – I swear to Christ these women have absolutely nothing else to talk about), dinner with friends (“when are you planning on having children” to each other). The only “safe” place to be is with people who know and understand, and they are so few. The isolation with IF is just so hard…. I’ve sent the ambassador (D) to more than a few functions I didn’t feel that I could handle, and he can’t quite understand why it is I’m not going. That’s not true, he can. He just has the ability to compartmentalize, and I don’t, I never have. I truly, truly envy that. I just don’t have the energy to put a bad conversation into perspective anymore. I don’t care why they said it – I’m done making excuses for other people. At some point, a jackass is a jackass, and thus our social circle gets pared back even more….
So “normal” is a word I won’t recognize anymore. It’s something that has to be redefined and sculpted for me, and me alone. I don’t know where my normal is, but I hope I can still find it eventually.
11/04/2008 at 9:42 pm
It would be great if dealing with grief was linear. Then each day that goes by, you can know that you are moving farther away from it. Unfortunately, it’s not linear and what you are feeling and going through now is, well, normal.
I understand, though, that loss of yourself and that yearning to be the you before infertility changed you. For me, even a successful pregnancy did not take me back to the old me.
11/05/2008 at 6:30 pm
I am so here with you. There are days that feel like one step forward and then the next day it’s 5 steps back. I too think fondly about the old me. The me that could actually be happy when I heard someone was pregnant. The me that felt like there was genuine goodness and the me that did not get so envious at other people’s good fortune. There does come a time when you ony feel comfortable in your own bubble and that’s ok. There will be a time when you won’t have to do that. Trust in knowing that it does get better but it certainly doesn’t leave you.
danielle
11/06/2008 at 11:49 pm
I am still a long ways from normal too. I don’t think I will ever get back to where I was before all of this started. I am right there with you.
Hope things get moving on this DE cycle soon!
11/08/2008 at 5:19 am
Thank you for writing this better than I could put into words
01/02/2009 at 12:05 pm
Normal is so overrated. Even after A was born, it was difficult – however! It’s a different kind of difficult and it’s not that black pit of despair, almost unmanageable difficult (it’s also quite wonderful, but a pregnant woman who goes on about how fertile she is can take me off guard). That said, after the third miscarriage after her I did finally bow the head and start anti-ds. And lo! life is beautiful – well…
ASSVICE ALERT:
I wonder if you’ve had a hysteroscopy to check for a septum? Just thinking if your doctor was a real ass, he very well could have missed it (have a friend who had TWO doctors miss hers). Hell, you’re shelling out $$, you may as well drop a few more for yet another invasive procedure, right?