Thinking in bullet points today, will share what I’ve learned:

- when trying to decide on food to freeze for future dining pleasure, I suddenly can’t think of anything I like to eat. Why is that?
- I think I’ve figured out what Braxton Hicks contractions are, and I don’t particularly enjoy them. Not sure if dehydration or activity is causing them, perhaps I’ll get something to drink and put my feet up while I ponder that.
- Nobody warns you about how itchy you are while gestating. My skin has never been so sensitive, I would change the sheets on the bed every day if not for the laundry factor. I have my laziness to maintain, thank you. Screw lotion, went straight to Neutrogena body oil, helps dramatically. And I still have to slather twice a day. And I’m normally a greaseball. But I digress..
- I was talking to a very good friend of mine (didja ever notice how close the word “friend” is to “fried”? I’m just saying) yesterday. I mentioned that I’m thinking more about having used donor eggs now than ever, that I’ll probably be much better after she gets here, not sure why it’s lurking at the periphery now. And at times, I am still feeling a bit resentful that I couldn’t use my own damn eggs. My friend said, “Give me a break. You cook, you know better than anyone else that just having good ingredients doesn’t mean shit. It takes more than that to make something special”. And I thank you for the reality check one more time, my friend. I needed to hear that…..
- it snowed 4 inches here overnight, more than enough to immobilize this southern town. I’m not leaving the house. Had all these plans to get some things done, I may just change the sheets on my bed and get right back into it.

And now, I’m off to throw my dogs outside and see how they do in all that snow. Then I’m going to enjoy my low-key snow day….. Looking like one of the better Monday’s I’ve had in a while!

Peace, y’all!

So, I’m still here. This post is just a bunch of random stuff, pregnancy ramblings and whatever else floated to the top while I was typing. Feel free to skip, it won’t hurt my feelings.

We’ve registered (not done, but much closer), I physically went in Babies R Us and on my second try stayed long enough to accomplish things. The first try ended up in grabbing newborn diapers, wipes, infant socks and running for the car after 15 minutes. I’ve come a long way baby.. I have another cold, but in the grand scheme of things I’m fine. The rat’s fine, D’s fine – things are clinically and emotionally stable. For now.

I say again – for now.

It’s not that I’m so confident in the universe and my reversal of fortune that I think I’m bullet proof. I feel safe in this pregnancy, and yet not safe. Every single day thoughts cross my mind, what I would do if “X ” happens, if this baby doesn’t make it for whatever reason. If I proceed as if everything’s fine and it ends up not being so, what would I do with all that stuff? I make backup plans for every eventuality, ever the infertile at heart. I just can’t bear the thought of not being prepared, even in some small way for being blindsided. It’s happened too many times.

I saw the RE for the last time, and the contrast in mood between the regular OB’s office and his is huge. The OB’s office, everyone takes everything for granted and complains – people decorate nurseries at 10 weeks. The RE’s office, people ask “are you getting excited” at 30 weeks. They so get it – not being able to celebrate something, not trusting, living with the fear.

But in spite of that, at some point I started planning, dreaming just a little bit – because I think eventually you have to. Whatever happens, I just couldn’t continue being that frightened. I wanted to have faith for this baby, as well as myself. I didn’t want her to feel how scared I was (am). So I push those thoughts to the back of my mind every day, and carry on. Because I can’t do it any other way. I go to the prepared birth classes, look through name books, complain (but not much) when she decides to lay sideways. I keep the blackness at bay however I can, and I cannot imagine the basket case I will be when I see her.

I’ve got these prenatal yoga tapes that I’ve found really, really helpful – Anna Getty’s Divine Motherhood series. Pre and post-natal workouts.
She makes comments throughout the workout, but one in particular just hits me right between the eyes – I sometimes end up crying through the relaxation at the end. Something about the miracle of creating life within you, I can’t recall the exact line now. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so damn infertile. It’s supposed to be a peaceful moment between you and your baby, you’re both in this together yada yada. Just another something special, brought to you by infertility – the gift that just keeps on effing giving when you least expect it.

All this to say, it seems the roller coaster ride doesn’t stop once you get pregnant. It’s just a different roller coaster – not that I’m saying anything new, everyone probably already knew that but me. Just my own monkey-touch-the-monolith-moment…..

Peace, y’all.

I freaked out and bought a diaper bag. Just now. I’m not sure how it happened. It’s like I broke out in a rash, my paypal account somehow came up on the screen and suddenly the bloody thing is on it’s way to my house.

Hysterical laughter is bubbling up and I think I might be drooling….

At least it was on sale.

Cold. Way too bloody cold. Thermometer down in the single digits, snot freezing in your nose – I just don’t know how people do this for extended periods of time. And we haven’t even gotten any snow – if we’re gonna freeze our buns off we should at least be able to make a stupid snowman or two. And what absolutely kills me is that local schools and universities are STILL closing. Because it’s cold. Here in the South, we expect occasional nips of cold but they almost always depart as soon as they arrive. We’ve gotten snow that actually buried the grass twice in the last 15 years, and it’s melted clean away by that afternoon. I just don’t know how you Northerners do it. How do you function all wrapped up in all those layers for months on end? If nothing else, all the static would do me in – I’m shocking myself no matter what I try to do. Cold and snow are fine as a novelty, but I have a new appreciation for what people (made of much tougher stuff than me, obviously) must go through on a daily basis under these arctic conditions. No f-ing way, man. I’m a marshmallow…..

And on that note, I’m going to stick my fingers in my hot chocolate mug and count my blessings.

Some food for the soul, perhaps? Meant to post these but kept forgetting. All from Tricycle.

Real Freedom

Freedom means being able to choose how we respond to things. When wisdom is not well developed, it can be easily obscured by the provocations of others. In such cases we may as well be animals or robots. If there is no space between an insulting stimulus and its immediate conditioned response—anger—then we are in fact under the control of others. Mindfulness opens up such a space, and when wisdom is there to fill it one is capable of responding with forbearance. It’s not that anger is repressed; anger never arises in the first place.

-Andrew Olendzki, “Calm in the Face of Anger,” Tricycle, Fall 2006

The Possibility of Kindness

We must realize, if tomorrow is going to look any better than today, that the currency for compassion isn’t what someone else does, right or wrong—it is the very fact that that person exists. Commitment to the possibility of kindness cannot be discarded as foolish or irrelevant, even in troubling times when we often can’t find easy answers. If we abandon the force of kindness as we confront cruelty, we won’t learn anything to take into tomorrow—not from history, not from one another, not from life.

- Sharon Salzberg, The Force of Kindness

And lastly…

Starting Over with Ourselves

We need to be able to forgive ourselves when we stumble or forget, and based on that forgiveness, be able to reconnect to our basic intention. One of the primary tools we have in spiritual life is the understanding that everything is changing all of the time, that nothing is fixed, and nothing is permanent. Because of that truth, when we make a mistake we realize that we can begin again.

- Sharon Salzberg, The Force of Kindness

Peace out, y’all.

It’s me. Nothing really interesting to report, I can’t even make anything up. I’m just that unimaginative. Still pg, still on track, things seem normal and healthy. Still taking heparin shots, and as of the doctor’s appointment yesterday I’ll be adding Prevacid to the mix as well, since I hadn’t gained any weight and my urine had the consistency of syrup.

Thank. Everything. Holy.

I might as well have been shoving Tums up my hooch for all the good they were doing. Pepsid worked (sort of) occasionally, but liquid of any form was very, very bad. Which is not a good scene if you’re trying to stay hydrated.

The rat is very active, in fact Monday she kicked me in the guts so strategically that I had to go find a restroom. Immediately. She literally kicked the sh*t out of me. That was interesting. And apparently liberating – she seems to enjoy rolling around quite a bit more with a clear playing field. You’d think we could work together a little better to keep it that way….

I have a horrible cold. But I can take Zyrtec D, so I don’t feel quite as corpse-like as I did, I’ve graduated to just sort of semi-undead. I’m safe enough to drive (as safe as anyone else is around here), but the brain still isn’t completely touching the spinal cord.

And that’s about it. Hopefully I’ll have something more entertaining/interesting to post next time…just mostly feeling quiet. And snotty.

And in case I don’t get my sorry butt back on here in time, Happy Holidays, to everyone! Have some leaded Egg Nog for me!

So, we went to a party this weekend. The usual suspects were in attendance, it was a lovely evening. And I felt very, very out of place. Not that anyone’s making me feel that way, just my sixth sense. I have my antennae way up lately, since everyone I know is now aware of this pregnancy. While I’m not inclined to hide it, I am inclined to downplay it. And while I most certainly don’t feel guilty, I do feel rather sad. I recognize the sudden shifts in conversation – someone expresses their quick congratulations and moves on immediately as soon as the social niceties have been observed. If a couple is negotiating over kids (one’s ready and one’s not) or if they’re embroiled in their own personal reproductive hell, I would prefer not to be the reminder thrown up to blindside someone. And I’m a reminder – I definitely look pregnant. The husband would come over and make conversation while the wife was elsewhere (I know that routine so very well), or they would both just be otherwise occupied. Perhaps I was reading too much into it, but I know the weirdness wasn’t just coming from me. Strange to be on the other side of things and still difficult, I’m finding. There’s about every sort of life situation present in our group, all kinds of backgrounds and ethnicities, gay, divorced, etc. Only thing missing is death of a partner. And only 3 or 4 couples out of 13-14 have kids. I don’t pretend to know the story with everyone, but I definitely know 3 couples are having infertility problems.

I remember so well. How could I not? That’s an awful lot of heartache and drama to just erase. Infertility changes who you are, your outlook on everything. Some ways good, some ways not so good. Most people come out the other side beat up and bloody, some are more lucky. But everyone has their scars. And I think there’s always a part of you that never really leaves the trenches.

It’s a girl. A little, wadded-up sucking-on-her-toes girl. Heart rate was 154, weighs @ 12 oz, anatomical scan was normal. Looks like D doesn’t get to groom his future Eagle Scout. He was very quick to chime in with “There’s Girl Scouts…..” And that’s why I married the man.

This is the first time he’s let me see any real excitement. He hasn’t wanted me to feel bad if anything goes wrong. Today I felt like we were a (semi) normal couple for the first time in a very long time. However we got to this point, however this child was conceived, didn’t matter in the least. That we are able (and lucky enough) to experience this is worth more than I can put into words. Regrets/misgivings about having used donor eggs are definitely not surfacing here. Not to say that they won’t somewhere, but not yet.

I didn’t actually cry during the scan (though I came very close). It honestly takes a lot for me to cry in front of anyone, really, much less strangers (having grown up in a family where the motto was “never let ‘em see you sweat”). So when I burst loudly into tears about my last 2 PIO shots (D was giving them to me by this point – I’d mangled my own butt, you see), D immediately said “Screw it – your progesterone was in the 70’s anyway. Here’s an ice cream sandwich” which I snuffled gratefully over while sitting with a heating pad on my knotty butt. Fun times, man…… God, I hated those shots this time around.

Anyway, that’s all the news I have for now. We’re thrilled, couldn’t be more so. Unless we suddenly win the lottery. We’re pleased, even if we will need an exorcist or two for the teenage years. Oh, wait, we may not. Honestly, my first thought upon finding out that it’s a girl was “OMG, I’m screwed – wait a minute, not my genes. There’s hope!!” So, I’d say the donor egg thing has so far come in handy.

We go to find out tomorrow if we’ll have a boy or a girl. I know the scan is actually for other things but in my mind, anatomical stuff isn’t the main thing. Not to say that it isn’t important that we find out if the rat has two heads and/or eyes in the palms of the hands. Of course it is. I think what’s getting me is the thought that, at last, we get away from science and clinical terminology for a simple, basic answer. And I’m a ridiculous, sobbing mess at the thought of it.

As the day wears on, I’m less able to think of anything else or to concentrate at all, if we’re being honest. I try to picture myself staring at the monitor to see, to really, finally see……..and my throat closes up and my face turns purple and here come the waterworks.

I don’t cry pretty. Not at all, man. It’s actually kind of frightening.

All this hype means that the little rat will probably keep the goods to him/herself as long as possible. The more I anticipate it, the less it will happen. Just some tidbits I’ve picked up about myself and my luck though the years…

I thought tomorrow wouldn’t be a big deal, that nothing would make this real until the rat actually arrives (resisting the urge to inject “if” into that last thought). I think now that I was quite wrong. Tomorrow is to be shaping up to be a very big deal, in spite of me trying to maintain my denial….

A friend sent me this article, and it’s a very good one. Very interesting, I thought. It pertains to vaccinations and parents’ reluctance to have their children immunized, and it’s all anyone’s talking about lately at my hospital of employment. So without further ado, here’s the link:

http://www.wired.com/magazine/2009/10/ff_waronscience

Sorry, you’ll have to cut and paste, can’t get the bloody links to work today. Have a read, and then let’s have a round of applause for informed decisions.

So, let’s get back to me.

Not that I have anything much to say. Oh wait, the repeat Hep B test was negative so – that’s good. The gender scan is coming up (almost 20 w – rather excited about that) and none of my pants fit (not so much excited by this). So I do what anyone who likes to breathe does, and go and buy a couple pairs of maternity pants.

Why was I resisting these things again?

If I’d known how comfy they were, I’d have picked some up years ago, I tell you.

Ummm, went back to see the RE and almost got yelled at for not taking my calcium supplements (an even bigger no-no while on heparin) until he figured out how many Tums I’m taking. Then I got dismissed until the 30w visit with a bored wave of his hand. Seems 10-12 of them per day is pur-lenty of calcium…but it completely fixes the heartburn. Which I can get after drinking water, but don’t get after a cheese sandwich stuffed with Lay’s potato chips and jalapenos. Go figure.

Let’s see, what else….. I might be feeling the baby move. Very strange sensation and very, very cool. I can’t feel single specific movements, but it is perhaps a clue when your uterus becomes lopsided and then smooths itself back out (I know, I’m a genius). Just as long as nothing suddenly bursts out of my chest, I can completely roll with this.

D snores. A lot. I never noticed before because I always go to sleep before him. Not so much now. The unforseen naps during the day and nightly pee trips have opened my eyes to this phenomenon. And oh, my God.

I may have to kill him. How do people live with this, and stay married/in the same room?

Maybe if I tape his mouth shut….. Or perhaps that’s just my hormones talking….